The last few months I’ve engulfed myself into relationships. Not just intimate relationships dealing with finding love but friendships as well. Let me be completely honest and say, It has been tough! Everything I thought I knew about love isn’t real. We often find ourselves chasing after the wrong people, not being realistic about what love is what we desire. Most importantly we don’t really know ourselves! I honestly thought I was at a space in my life where I could finally say, I know myself. Well, I was wrong! The truth is, I’m discovering things about myself everyday. Things I like and the things I want to change. Even though I said that there are things I want to change, the things I discovered about myself that I love are essential to who I am as a person. Its the essence of who I am… The things that I can’t change. The sassy, compassionate, and giving person that people see everyday is who I am. Not for one second did I say I was perfect, but I learned to celebrate those things about me even when people hate on me.
I’m no Guru on love… NEVER HAVE BEEN, PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE. I’m no counselor, I’m just a human being who has had experiences, some good and some bad. The experience’s I found myself tangled in this year, nearly broke me. It sucks to finally be in a space where your ready to open up and share parts of your life with someone and have your heart crushed in the process. It’s not a fun thing to fall for someone who you thought cared about you but betrayed you. Betrayed every piece of trust you’ve let yourself become vulnerable and give them. It’s not fun realizing that the person you wanted more than anything has no desire to be with you! It’s not fun buying that person whatever they wanted and get NOTHING in return. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO AFTER THIS?
It’s so easy for someone to tell you that you should just move on and go screw someone else. If that’s not who you are deep down, it will never help! It will never work! Its so easy for people to try to analyze your situation and harshly judge you. It’s so easy for people who were never around to cast opinions and theories on why it didn’t work out. You know what was said to you behind closed doors. You know what was said to you through text and when no one else was around. You know how their actions differed from their words. You know, but they think they know?
There were many days when I questioned myself. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY WASN’T I ENOUGH? I had to step back and figure out who the hell I was. What does knowing who you are have to do with this?………… EVERYTHING! I’m a big fan of The View on ABC. It turns out one of the most well known panelist, Whoopi Goldberg, has a book on relationships. Luckily, I found this book in the library and didn’t hesitate to pick it up. If someone says, “You Complete Me”, RUN! is definitely a book everyone needs to read. Whoopi is known for her sharp perspective on things anyway so it’s no surprise that she told gave us exactly what was on her mind. She has had many experiences to. All of her wisdom from life encounters are depicted in this book.
One of the concepts that readers will automatically pick up from reading this book is, knowing who you are! It’s mentioned in almost every chapter! We often walk into relationships not knowing ourselves. What does knowing who you are consist of? It consists of knowing what you stand for, what you want out of things, and what you are willing to deal with. The things I dealt with this semester helped me figure out what I want and certainly what I don’t want. Knowing what you want in a partner is very essential. Also knowing what you don’t want in a partner is as well. This is something I never took the time to think about. I’m going to share the Five things I want in relationship with you below…
Five things I want in a partner:
- Someone to proud to be with me
I’ve never really felt like I’ve had support from everyone in my family so when I look for someone I want to be in a relationship with support is number one. It probably is more noticeable to me more than any other trait at first. Everyone wants someone to be proud to be with them. Gay people sometimes have to deal with their partner not wanting anyone to know they are together. Straight people might deal with someone not wanting to be involved in their family life. We have to pick in choose for ourselves what we are willing to deal with. I personally cannot deal with someone who is ashamed to be with me. If your proud behind closed doors, you should be even more happy when the door is open! Trust is essential in any relationship. I can’t stand a liar! I’ve dealt with them for years! I’m kinda over it!
Friendship is another concept that Whoopi stresses. So many people just want to hop into relationships these days…. like its a damn trend or something. Just like they don’t know themselves, they don’t know the other person either! That’s why It’s important to be friends with someone first. I’ve made this mistake several times in the past. I personally have found myself getting attached to quickly sometimes in the past. We all want love and want a strong relationship but a good strong relationship takes so much time and so much work! AGAIN WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DEAL WITH? I was lucky to catch myself and stop a situation from dragging on early. Instead of catching it a year later with an empty bank account, I caught it in 2 months. Once I saw who they really was, I had no choice but to believe them!
I’ve been told that since I’m more mature than some my age, maybe dating older would be better. I’m sorry, whoever said maturity comes with age was on some bull! Maturity does not come with age. I’ve dated some older people who were more immature than the freshman I was involved with in high school. I value Maturity in a relationship and in a person but that doesn’t come with a number! Sorry! Shit, I just had a 26 year old stalk me and harass me because I don’t want to be with them…. CASE CLOSED!
Having an Idea of what you want can be helpful! Having an idea of what you DONT WANT can be even more helpful!
Five things I don’t want in a partner:
- Caring more about impressing your friends
- Bad attitude
- No goals, No ambition
Dishonesty to ME is more than just a common lie. One of things I hate when meeting someone is someone selling themselves to me. This usually means they give a whole grocery list of who they claim to be. Actions speak louder than words, so when you tell me your a honest person and that’s what you value… I should see that!
Loyalty is EVERYTHING.When you are disloyal you don’t have your partners back! This is important for me! You have to have my back! Caring about impressing other people doesn’t impress me. It’s a turn off! Of course, having a bad attitude can make things bad. You shouldn’t talk down to your partner!
I meet a host of people every year with NO GOALS and NO AMBITION. Its just good to have an idea of what you want out of life. Don’t expect me to come up with that for you! Eventually your gonna reach a point in your relationship to where your gonna have to ask, where are we going?
Another concept I want to mention is.. being upfront from the beginning. If you only want sex, make that known! Don’t have someone thinking you are working towards a relationship, when that’s not your goal. Of course, start as friends first but if you are interested in a relationship, SAY IT! I can’t guess what you want! I’ve learned that being upfront will take you a long way. If you tell someone you can’t see yourself with them, you better make sure your actions line up with that exact statement! No one has any more damn time to be dealing with you mixed signals.
One last thing Whoopi mentioned was about being realistic. We often walk into relationships with a false idea of love. We have so many movie, TV and book influences that give us this false representation of love. Life is not a fairy tale! This is the real world. We have this false idea of what the person we are supposed to fall in love with looks like. They may not always come with a six pack or a million dollars. They may not come with a sports car or big boobs.
This book has helped shape my way of thinking concerning relationships. I haven’t mastered every concept but I working my way there. I recommend this book to anyone who is ready to start fresh and is ready to be open and honest with life. This book is for anyone who is tired of repeating the same draining patterns! You can check out the book from your local library or purchase it from online and in stores!