This whole semester I have been obsessed with relationships and learning to do them better. I recently had a very interesting conversation with one of my friends from school. We simply had a real moment where we started reminiscing about some past classes and experiences we had together. The conversation took an odd turn when I asked him for some advice on a current struggle I realized I was facing.
I simply asked him, ” Do you think this person will answer today when I call?”
This one question sparked one of the most intelligent conversations I have had in two years! When I explained to him how not hearing from this person made me feel, he gave a interesting take on it.
See I’m not the kind of person to ask for much when it comes to building a relationship. I don’t mind helping my significant other out. I’ve never been the kind of person to give with strings attached. I don’t ask for money back and I don’t demand things (unless its necessary) because I don’t treat them with that loan mentality…. that’s just me, if that’s not you that’s fine, but don’t ever expect me to date you, k?
Only thing I expect is for you to give me something very simple….your time, your company, your mind and your love… its so simple. Its really not that deep!
OK so back to this question… I explained to him that I haven’t heard from that person in two days and It made me feel a certain kind of way. Due to past relationships, I’m use to not hearing from the other person meaning, they don’t want to fuck with me anymore.
As I explained in length to my friend my feelings, he brought up some very interesting points that I think everyone can learn something from.
Just by talking to my friend, I learned that I do have high expectations which can actually turn out to be a bad thing. My friends perception of my situation was very unique because he said it came across to him as if I was placing deadlines….
He actually asked me the question, “How would you feel if someone gave you deadlines?” lets stop here and think for a minute.
That’s an interesting concept to think about especially in relationships. The relationship is very fresh and is moving very slow (which is kind of weird for me being that I’m use to rushing) but being that I have too many high expectations, In a weird way, I was expecting to hear from that person when I felt like they should contact me. I wasn’t giving them the chance to make the proper move. It’s a controlling mechanism.. not trying to control them per say but trying to control the situation. We all know when you’ve been hurt multiple times, you build walls. A controlling mechanism is really no different, you control the situation so you don’t end up hurt.
To be very honest, hearing from that person gives me Instant Gratification.. Yes I know, Its ridiculous but its true. Since I’m afraid of a failing relationship, I want the phone calls and the text messages to make me feel safe and comfortable. I said in the beginning that I’m used to not hearing from that person in certain amount of days, meaning that I’ve been cut off. So hearing from that person gives me Instant Gratification because I don’t have to worry about my fear for that period of 24 hours.
The only problem is that Instant Gratification only lasts for a moment. This is something my friend stressed as he gave me advice. In his own unique way, he used smoking weed as example. In his eyes, people get high for a reason. Most of the time that reason really isn’t to just to get high. Its to take their mind off a particular situation or to forget about something. The high takes the focus off their dilemma… but only for a moment. In my case, worrying and stressing over not hearing from the person I’m involved because I’m afraid of failure with was my dilemma. Expecting a phone call and text messages is sort of my high??
In weird way, It made perfect sense. After reading, “If Someone says, “You Complete me,” Run!” by Whoopi Goldberg, I’ve made the motto… “I COMPLETE ME,” my inner saying.. So what if I don’t hear from you, I complete me! So what if if you cut me off, I complete me! If It doesn’t work out, I complete me!
Say it with me, “I Complete me!”
I am afraid of a failing relationship.. I know, Its sad… It kind of goes back to my lack of patience. I’m so impatient and when I want something, I want it to happen right away. I want that person to be what I want them to be right away…. (Not Gonna Happen)
Nobody is gonna change overnight and the people you want to change for you, just aren’t! That’s why I’m learning to be confident in decisions and love them. I’m learning to be happy with me and who I am and human being. I learning to be happy with who God made and called me to be.
Timing is everything! Learning to move at the right time can save you from a world of trouble.