I awake with shallow breathing and sweaty palms. I thought for sure that “it” had defeated me. My bed offered no protection from my thoughts. Turning the cool sheets from my warm body, I glanced at my peaceful lover, sleeping uninterrupted. He had no idea of what fear ran through my body when I shut my eyes. Not being able differentiate my imagination and reality. This bedroom for the last three years has been a war zone, not offering the tranquility and peace that it should. Yet, this fear of “it” progressed its way through my house leaving me to be its victim.
I was afraid to step foot on the polished hardwood floors, for it could become a bottomless pit that I could fall into. Gathering the courage to challenge this grappling thought, I raced to the door. What will be behind this door when I open it? Gripping the golden knob turning it to the left, I stood looking at myself. It looked like me, but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I’m afraid to even take one step forward. Is this real or am I imagining? Then this figure of me started to transcend across the floor I don’t think it noticed me. Deep down I hope it didn’t, my heart is racing, and my body is stuck in a state of paralysis at the bedroom door. The shadow figure look- alike, paced the floor impatiently as if something or someone was supposed to be here by now.
Before I could pinch myself to see if I was hallucinating, there was a loud bang behind me. Looking in my peripheral, I see three wise monkeys, glowing in red, hit the ground. As soon as they hit the floor they run past my feet, disappearing into the darkness. Ones that I had never seen before. When my eyes turned back to the shadow figure, it was staring directly at me, its face had no features and it looked as if it wanted to take the last breath from my body. I yelled for my peaceful lover, but he did not budge. I was silent to his ears as he turned to the other side, serenely.
My blood-curdling cries set fire to my throat. The figure moving closer grabbed me by my throat and started to chant in my ear. Its hands were like fire, and rough as if it had crawled up from hell. I couldn’t understand a word it was saying; however, I was more concerned as why this shadow was a complete replica of me with no features. Its grip was getting tighter and tighter, and I couldn’t get free. I felt myself loosing conscious. The figure released me, and I fell to the floor. When my head hit the floor, it was like the clock strike twelve and I had finally awakened from this bad dream.
Crying and screaming… I feel someone grabbing my shoulders. “Wake up, Wake up!” yelled Jacobi. Being able to hear him, but unable to do anything about it is a terrifying feeling. Then Splash, the ice-cold water that hit my face, shocked me sending me into a frantic awakening.
“Omg, I can’t do this anymore, Jacobi. These dreams or whatever you call them are becoming the worst thing that is happening to me.”
“What can I do to help you, Tamira?”
“Honestly, nothing this has been going on for three years, and the one thing that sticks out in every nightmare, do say is that there is a demonic version of me. Yeah, I know, pretty cliché, but I’m serious this is costing me my sanity.”
“Let’s go talk with your therapist again, you know… maybe he can give you a different medicine this time.”
“The same exact man that has prescribed me four different medications, within the past three years and yet none are helping with these issues. This is more than just some problem that big Pharma can help with. I feel as though I’ve been cursed or something. I’m afraid to sleep.”
The day seem to go by faster when you are dealing with your special type of hell at home. The night seems like it lasts forever, and I’m stuck being its puppet to torment. Maybe I should go see Dr. Barlow, maybe this time will be different, “the fifth times a charm.”
Later that evening I stopped Dr. Barlow’s office. Apparently, he had been anticipating my arrival.
“Hello, Tamira glad to see you come in today.”
“Hi, I just want to get to the point. This medicine is not helping me at all. The nightmares or what seems more like lucid dreams are causing me to lose my sanity. No more medicine, what could be causing this?”
“Well all sorts of things from stress, depression, or even your own negative thoughts could bring the worst representations of yourself” is what Dr. Barlow believed.
“Oh well I could see how that would be an issue for me. Lately things in life have been going in a spiral. I find depressing mechanisms to cope. I need help, even sometimes I think about what it would be like if I wasn’t here. In my dreams there is a doppelganger of myself and it creeps me out each time. It wants to kill me, but before it has the chance I wake up.”
“Well that is a scary situation,” replied Dr. Barlow. “Well maybe it’s time to confront your fears, you know something that claims to be demonic only gets stronger, by its victims fear. I’ll tell you what I’m going to give you emazepam, this will help sleep.”
“Ok, Dr. Barlow I sleep fine. I need something to keep me awake.”
“Trust me Tamira, take the medicine, when you do find yourself facing this dream and figure confront it.”
Oh, that sounds like a horrible idea. Yet three years of my life has been taken away from me all because I can’t face what my brain has manifested. It must stop somewhere.
“Fine I will take the emazpram.”
I sat on the couch all day until the clock showed 9:59pm.
I don’t want to face the terror that comes with lying in bed.”
Jacobi days are like any other he goes to work, comes homes, and sleeps like he is a newborn. What would it be like to witness that.
“Tamira, how did seeing Dr. Barlow playout?
“It went ok, it honestly seemed to hold me accountable for what was happening.”
“I guess I’m my own worst nightmare” looking at Jacobi like with a crying for help.
11:59. The emazapam sliding down my throat felt like the biggest mistake I had made. Hoping the water would neutralize what was going to happen when the effects started to kick in.
I awake with shallow breathing, and sweaty palms. For the third time this week the nightmare has managed to revamp itself. Again, that fear of the floor being a bottomless pit bears down heavy. I remember what was behind the door and dared not to challenge what was behind it.
I watched as the door, slowly crept open. The shadow hand followed along the door. Again, paralysis kicked in evermore and there I was stuck, facing something that I didn’t understand was there. As the shadow crept closer, I could feel my blood thicken in my body. It gripped my throat with the hands of hell and chanted. Only this time I could understand what it was saying. You can’t run from me I’m always with you.It repeated over and over, while removing the life from my body. How can this be the end? I thought there was always a bright-side to nightmares. I guess I was wrong. It got me in the end.